It was the early hours of Nov 21, 2011 that I tweeted : “What remains at the end of it all, is what had actually mattered. ”
I was thoughtful, but wasnt sure of what exactly I was thinking about.
I wish life had been as mathematical as I presumed it to be. It has way more feelings and emotions, and yes – people, than I ever thought was possible. These days, I want some enclosure, some sort of an insulation that would cut me off from the rest of the world.
For few moments, I closed my eyes, pulled my blanket up till my eyes, turned by my side, and tried to sleep.
Is it the same me who once said, life is completely digital? its all 0 and 1 ? 0 means “dude/mam! fuck off… its my world”.. 1 means … “i love you, stay with me, my entire lifetime”. Is it the same me, who once believed in discussions and motivation?
I am more instintive than ever perhaps, following my heart at every possible juncture, then also not contenting myself. Am I over-expecting from myself now? or some sort of a miracle to happen ? fall, fall… swirling down the way to the negetive infinity.
There is something inbetween the 0 and the 1. Perhaps the attached strings… and you keep hanging there.
Couldnot sleep that time, and I didnot want to ponder upon these. Got up to see my dad snoring on the other bed, after a super brain cracking day of internal audit. Went to the window, peeped out. The guard was sitting on his chair asleep, and I murmered “what fun!”
To me, the definition of my world has been changing not too many times, if you listen to my heart… its quite the same, with minor changes only very recently. Today even when I turn back at my college life, its all smiles, but the faces have already started fading, few faces prominent… they are proper “1”s. What about the other “1”s of my life? Did they actually matter ever to me, or could I have done without them. Its a question, unjust to ask.. I wont ask that.
I am a person who lives for today… today is the time to be in. Yesterday is a bag of gratitude, respect that. Future is my packet of opportunities, a fortunes gift… a wrapped box. It can contain anything, lets leave no possibilities out in our imagination. Lets plan it, 5 steps down the line. All plannings, gratitude stays on the wall of our insulation… whats in the innermost fold of our hearts?
That’s another question which I didnot want to ask. I feared, the answer might have made me fall in my own eyes. But the question was already asked. What remains at the end of it all, is what had actually mattered. Rest didnot, and the ones inbetween the 0 and the 1, should not have mattered. Do I seem rude? or am I flowing with the tide? I dunno, I feel I am sounding mean these days.
~ A diary post. Date : Nov 28, 2011.